A guide to handling interpersonal conflicts as a Christian

It’s inevitable, we are human, there will be personal conflicts. The Bible has a lot to say about personal conflict, and how we are to deal with them. Christ offered us a very different way to deal with others who may mistreat us, be unfair or unkind to us. The Apostles later write on this and expand on what Christ taught.

Under the law, there was a system setup to provide civil order and justice, even on how to interact with people when you have been wronged. The Pharisees wanted to judge people, and when someone did them wrong they wanted to judge them and get even, make them pay for their wrong. But while they hung onto the law for their own benefit they themselves ended up being condemned by the very law they sought to enforce without mercy or compassion.

Christ came and showed us another way to deal with conflict and being wronged. What Christ taught and what the New Testament teaches on how to act in conflict brings about a very real struggle with our human nature, which the Apostle Paul called our old nature, the old man.

The only way you can carry out the commands in the Bible on dealing with conflict is to walk in the Spirit. This guide on how to deal with interpersonal conflict will test even the best and strongest Christian, because what the Bible commands of a New Testament Christian flies in direct conflict with our human nature. Christ’s teachings are radical living practices.

Galatians 5:17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Our first set of verses is in Matthew where Christ challenged those hearing him with a new set of commands. We need to start out understanding the legalistic views the Pharisees lived by and what Christ was commanding them to do instead of their religious traditions. The Pharisees were ruled by judgmental legalistic hearts. Christ is about to challenge that mentality.

Matthew 5:38-48 ¶ "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 "But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40 "If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. 41 "And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. 42 "Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. 43 ¶ "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, 45 "that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 "And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48 "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

These are new commands by Christ that over rule, they supersede the Old Testament way of dealing with conflict with others. Christ’s new commands mean we as Christians will be wronged, treated unfairly and not receive justice for wrongs committed by others towards us. But in living life Christ’s way, Christians are not to look in life to be treated fairly. Fairness for ourselves is never our focus as New Testament followers of Christ and His teachings.

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

If we are now a Christian, then we seek doing the commands of the Bible over being treated fairly and justly by others. If you follow Christ, you have picked up a cross and have chosen to deny self. Life for the Christian on earth will not be fair, but the rewards are eternal.

Luke 6:37-38 37 ¶ "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."

These verses tell us when we judge others we always bring judgement on ourselves and when we condemn others we condemn ourselves. In other words, the Bible teaches when we judge and condemn other Christians we are the ones who then become judged and condemned. If we really believed the Bible we would not judge and condemn others because we typically don’t like being judged and condemned as wrong doers.

All sins have a price, ALL. Many sins have an immediate consequence. Judging and condemning others always hurts us and it will drain a heart of joy and peace like nothing else.

Romans 2:1 ¶ Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.

James 4:11 ¶ Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?

James 5: 9 Do not grumble against one another, brethren, lest you be condemned. Behold, the Judge is standing at the door!

When we complain, mope, gripe about other Christians we bring condemnation on ourselves. Apparently when James is written this was a real issue to the churches he wrote to.

This where I often hear people wanting to invoke Luke 17 which talks about confronting the other person and asking for an apology. Human nature loves these verses.

Luke 17:1-5 ¶ Then He said to the disciples, "It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! 2 "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. 3 "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 "And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him." 5 And the apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith."

We want to point to the other person how terribly wrong they were, we want an apology, we want the other person to admit their wrong. This is our human nature, and it is deeply rooted in being human, to desire the other person to repent is fair. I want to repeat that, this is fair as a human being to want this. It is human nature to seek fairness when we have been wronged, but that isn’t the only way. But the Bible shows us that seeking justice and fairness isn’t the best way to handle conflict and being wronged. We can instead choose to walk in the spirit of God and chose mercy.

Luke 6:35-36 "But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 36 "Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.

God is kind and merciful to the unthankful, to those who have done evil. These verses command us to not focus on how bad someone has treated us, instead we are to come back and bless them instead. This is a clear, explicit Biblical teaching of which we are not free to ignore. Yet this is often a Christian’s greatest sin, failure to follow the commands of the Bible when dealing with interpersonal relationship issues. For some Christians being unforgiving and lacking mercy sadly consumes them to their own peril. This kind of sin has a terrible price.

So, when someone does something terribly wrong and unjust, rather than judge them we bless them, we shower them in kindness and mercy. In fact, Mercy should be something so deeply rooted in our hearts that fairness takes a back seat to mercy. This was a problem for the Pharisees because they focused so much on the law and sin of others they never learned to walk with mercy, they never learned to love their enemies.

Matthew 9:13 "But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."

Mercy is not giving someone what they deserve. If you give or want someone to get what they deserve for their wrong, you are not acting in mercy. It is not saying what the other person did wasn’t wrong, it was sin, but now you are also equally a sinner when you refuse to be merciful.

Psalms 145:8 The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, Slow to anger and great in mercy.

Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?

The Apostles Peter and Paul give us even more commands that we will at times find difficult to obey. I want to remind us at this point that obedience to scripture yields joy and peace in our hearts and minds, and ignoring commands of the Bible will always produce heartache and sorrow.

Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

When we fail to respond in this way it is now our own sin that is the problem. We are now the sinner rejecting scriptures, not them. This is the biggest problem I see when someone wrongs another. The sin multiplies. You have the first sin, saying or doing something unkind, unloving and unfair towards one person, which typically causes that person to sin by wanting to get even, to fight back and to say bad things about the other person. The first sin often leads to an avalanche of more sin as others chime in. And if no one is willing to follow the commands we have been reading, there will never be peace for anyone.

Paul in Romans is giving us a new command, to break the cycle of human nature and respond to evil with good. Not requiring an apology or even an acknowledgement of the wrong, but responding by doing good back to the other. To many this seems crazy.

Now Peter also gives a similar command for us to follow, also not requiring something first before we respond with love, but instead our first response is to bless the wrong doer. It is in our spiritual DNA to do this. It is our new nature to do this. The old nature seeks fairness first.

1 Peter 3:9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.

Peter teaches us there is a blessing for us every time we are wrong, and we react to it, to them with love, kindness, mercy and blessing. Obedience brings blessings to your heart and life.

How do I do this is?

Be imitators of God, and walk in the Spirit. It is the only way to bring about peace in your heart in a difficult relationship. Be the example, live radically, be the Christian that the world can never duplicate, because they don’t have Christ. We are meant to be different, we are meant to react differently in life. We are meant to live and be like Christ.

Eph 5:1 ¶ Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

Galatians 5:16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

Galatians 5:25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

Now it’s time to pray, ask God to help you be like Him and to follow these commands we just read.